New Home

Upon analysing the traffic, it turns out we forgot to announce that we've moved. We haven't stopped posting, it's just that we're now posting to another site. Our new home is now here. I know the hyperlink looks very cool but we've basically just eliminated the "blogspot" and the rest is pretty much the same.

So thanks for coming here, clicking, viewing, commenting and enjoying yourselves and I do hope to see you all there...I can't understand how we've averaged 5000 visitors...that's...astronomical...I mean we went from 20 to 5000, when you figure out how that happens, you let me know.

Alright then...oh and sorry for the ultra offensive last post, it had to be done.

Adi and Hamza (for legal purposes Hamza had nothing to do with this or the previous post so if someone decides to shoot or kill or maim, come at me bro).

Rantings of the raving lunatic inside, that just got out

Warning:  This post contains offensive language and I don’t mean Sanskrit. I mean such venomous hate driven putrid verbal diarrhea that your children will have nightmares, if you don’t have kids then you will get pregnant and have kids and those miracle babies will have only nightmares. It will be so horrid that doctors will look at your blood tests and scream in horror because there is no word in medicine for the kind of disease you will get by reading this. So, shall we?

In case you’re expecting some kind of a pattern here, fuck your expectations, it's about time you learned life isn't one big party. I’m just going ramble on about everything I hate in order of priority of how much it is pissing me off right now. You can read it and laugh because human misery brings you joy (you ass hole) or you can stop reading once you’ve lost interest, in which case I still don’t give a fuck but at least you feel like a bigshot when you ragequit this post.

Politics:

MOTHER FUCKERS!!! Stop talking about politics! Do you even know half the shit that you’re passing off as “informed opinion”? Unless you have a degree in political sciences or have been a colossal political douche for over 10 years, you have no right to “help” people form opinions. Because nobody cares why you think Zardari should be your real father or Nawaz Sharif should get a refund on the hair implants. I am sick to my stomach. I mean it literally returns food anytime I read about whom people think is the right person to lead their lazy asses. Imran Khan who you think is either like Quaid-e-Azam or Pakistan’s greatest enemy, either way, fuck you because you know exactly as much as 100 articles will have you believe. Guess what? I'm writing an article right now, after this, will you vote for the word "fuck" because it was mentioned enough times? And Zardari…just fuck you…infact, I don’t even want to use the word “fuck” here because as it turns out, Zardari ends up insulting the word “fuck” just by being alive. It is like having a middle finger for a President.

Friends:

You know when you have that situation between friends when someone does something awkward and the other responds by acting cool to their face but otherwise acts like a 2 year old who just dropped something on themselves and now wants everything to fix itself? If that situation is alien to you, then you need to get better friends, they all have problems only they don’t want to talk to you about them because you weird them out… and get over your porn addiction you ass hole you’re too old for that shit. So, friends, mine are a bunch of girls who aren’t resolving an issue and are just coasting because apparently everything is about those ass holes and their petty squabbles. In fact I’ll have to stop writing because I need to text them to remind them of their colossal fucktarditude (that’s the shortened version of fucking retarded attitude, I’m explaining for that one person who I know won’t get it) and this is actually creating a rift between all of us. When I told them to their face their first assumption was that they couldn't possibly be wrong. Now that I think about it, they’re not wrong, I mean they were wrong for a while, but then they were so wrong that they turned around and became right. So you guys are stressing me out and there’s only so many times I can punch you in the nuts before the dick holes in your underwear will lose their purpose.

This segues into overly sensitive cry-babies who are basically passive aggressive mother fuckers. Oh you didn’t return my call that one time; I will ignore the fuck out of you without ever discussing why. Oh you couldn't adhere to my completely arbitrary schedule? Well I’m too busy to talk about it as my being a self-important fuckwad (that’s fuck and …fuckwad put together) gets in the way.

Writing (and I went religious at the end so I guess that goes here too):

Oh my God, I LOOOOVE writing, that’s like my favorite thing to do. I can prove it is my favourite by through an example, this thing you’re reading? I wrote it you ignorant bitch (even if you’re a guy, you’re a bitch and may a necrophiliac shark invade your grave for making me explain the insult), browse around the site, there’s more shit I’ve written. Somewhere down the line, someone figured out a way to make money by simply putting words together until a search engine gets you a click. This is called SEO, I used to be good at it, until I started hating how it’s turned creative writing into a lifeless, emotion free, mechanical process (have 6 keywords in the your opening paragraph?! Have 6 perpetually bleeding vaginas you bastard) and that ruins everything. This is why there are so many bloggers, because nobody stops them from verbalizing their inner-most thoughts. This rant doesn’t count because I’m angry and because if I see you in person I can beat the shit out of you and then put it all back in you, rectally. It is this lack of balance in the “word to non-sense ratio” that is keeping better writers from being taken more seriously. Incidentally, this is also why Christianity failed, because assholes started introducing their own shitty opinions and no, the largest religious population does not count as success, it counts as an indicator that at least that many people in the world are stupid. Yes, I went religious, I said fuck you at the start, what part of fuck you confused you about the timidity of this rant? And before atheists start high fiving Dawkins, fuck you guys too, just because Mommy and Daddy were too busy dealing with their own shit to give a fuck about you, does not mean there is no God, it just means you ended up with shitty parents, probably because you deserved it for being an asshole in the first place.

So I like writing, people who suck at writing manage to ruin it for everyone. I suck too, but I have a loyal readership of less than 20 so it’s alright, I’m not sucking hard enough to hurt someone's writing career, unless  writing long rants is what their careers in which case I don't mind. Don't be this hateful, it's funny as a one off, but the more you do it, the more you're letting people think it's okay to be angry all the time. 

Car:

I have a car that I enjoy owning. I get it fixed when it needs fixing and enjoy it all the other times. It’s 5 years old now, older than some of your children - fuck you for comparing your children to my car- every now and then my father takes the car out to get it repaired for some mythical ailment he detects in it and some other mechanic decides to personalize my car according to how he thinks I should be driving and it comes back with every single paddle responding with a mind of its own. That’s not called fixing a car, that’s called trying to fix an itchy eye with skull fucking.

People who abuse the word "interesting":

You know that one person who will think everything is interesting? How is it possible for such a person to be still alive? If you are that interested in everything then you should have died on account of your brain not being functional. I don't mean to question your intelligence but you're probably the kind of person who Zoo aminals toss food at out of pity.

Conclusion:

There are more things that I hate but writing all this down has actually eased my anger, I want to take the whole "Write an angry letter, throw it away" approach (it's a thing, trust me, I know over 3 psychologists) but then, as I said, I do love writing and I don't mind if some of my close friends and old followers of this blog (abandoned for 13 months now) get to read this. I harbor no grudges, I have no regrets of anyone, only that there are times when everything starts adding up, you need to let loose. Thanks for reading this far (if that's what you did)...followed by the conclusion I wrote when I was angry.

To those of you who will yell out “RANT” after reading this, please know that I hope an elephant steps on you and sodomizes you, in that order. I am Adi Abdurab and fuck MS Word for giving my name a red underline. But most importantly, fuck Jal, you have raped music long enough, just die, go do other things washed up celebrities do. That is, If the definition of celebrity can be loosened to include anything without talent.

Semi-Final, the final straw

Pakistan lost. It is unhealthy to blame someone for the lack of an entire team's performance, but we also know that had it not been for one individual we would not have spent 2 hours begging for a six. When the six finally came nobody cared, not even the bowlers. Even they went "Oh a six! how cute, here's another one, try for more distance this time". It's like Misbah interpreted every delivery as an interference in his Yoga routine and simply shooed the ball away anytime it got close.

When ADHD attacks Paranormal creatures

Click, View, (if you're a cat lover you probably will) Enjoy, Comment...sneeze (damn allergies)

The story of the Sun

Once upon a time there was the Sun, proud little thing that.

Used to shine really bright and was all in everyone's face about it on how it was so cool that people couldn't even get up if it weren't for him. The people appreciated this very much and some even started worshipping it.

This didn't sit well with God and he invented teenagers, he was all "You go ahead and be shiny, these critters won't even be awake long enough to take you seriously" and the Sun went "but I provide vitamins and allow for the secretion of melanin and whatnot, they need energy to function"and then God said "You'd think that...but no, they're teenagers, they can stay up 5 days in a row and will still have enough energy left over to go "NYAH NYAH" in your face before falling asleep only to wake up once you've gone. Take that stupid Sun.

The Sun was all pissed and soon children that was how global warming started...which was also put to shame with an impending ice age. The Sun sits quietly now, you don't mess with pros Sun.

____________________________________________________________

I'm busy with work these days so you guys won't get much in the ways of comics, but soon enough I'll have a new domain up and running and it'll be cool, i'll have movie reviews (short short short ones) and all the ringtones I've used (and am using), sort of like a 90's website. Here's hoping I do it someday before I die, because I hear it's hard to post stuff when you're dead.

No Comic Today Just Text

I used to be good at this whole writing thing, used to get people’s attention like I was talking to them. Now that I think about it, I think I know where I lost the will to continue. That happens when you remove 220 megabytes of conversations from your inbox at some point in your life.

Robin Williams states that in order to be funny you need to show your weaknesses, mine is that I can no longer type bodies of text longer than 2 paragraphs. If it’s work I could probably push it up to 3 paragraphs.

So now that my vulnerability is exposed, I just drank what must have been a whole liter of mountain dew and that was (even I’ll admit) over-dewing it.

Anyway, we’re reviewing a few things about how things are going to be done around here and every revision wreaks havoc on our schedules.

For example, right now I wish to complete an article I’ve been working on for a month. I can’t right now since I’ve switched to Windows Live Writer. While we’re on that subject, all hail the Microsoft. This thing can’t import a draft if…I dunno, you think of some clever analogy and let me know, I’ll put that here.

Ahanyway, I thought it is high time the public got to know what’s been up. www.google.com (my way of saying “you figure it out”) and on that note, I will see you all when I finally finish that little entry for what I feel will the first of many. Also, I’m thinking of getting started on writing a book (. So by the age of 45 I might actually have published something worth reading (or making a quick buck off of).

I leave you with a parting thought. Everyone has a story to tell, every story has a tragedy, the funnier the text the greater the tragedy. Thanks Pastry, you were a good friend for when you were, then…not so much. After that I too lost interest. I guess that worked out quite nicely in the end. Watching mythbusters lately? No? It’s fun. So’s top gear.

Cruel jokes

Hey Guys (or joke mongers as Ultay Haath Ki calls you), Timi here and this is when a Donkey decides to travel 900 kilometers to make a donkey feel like an ass...

(EDIT: He did try to confirm the distance between here and Kalaam before he quoted the 900, we here at Ultay Haath Ki refuse to acknowledge having any information about geographical distances, that's what maps are for)

Stating the obvious

I think it's time to go more topical than to just go with the jokes as they roll along. But I must present this one before going right into commenting on wikileaks and stuff. You may find the stick figures an interesting twist, doling out an ultay haath ki to an unfortunate recipient (like life)  but we will not be turning stick figures into a pattern, we're pretty much rehashing memes to the brink of plagiarism as is it, we'll stick to what we've got rolling.

Read from left to right, lift with your knees, click, view, enjoy (Don't comment on this one, we're not interested)

Chrome OS cometh

Looking into the upcoming release of the Chrome OS for which I am as excited as I am weary. Excited because...well, I'm a sucker for tech and weary because...I was just planning my next PC upgrade, we all know what they did to the mobile market with Android and if history is any indicator we are in trouble yet again.  Here's what you can expect from the thingy and following is how I think it will create a technological divide among the masses.

Click, View, Comment and Enjoy (notice how we want you to enjoy only after you've commented)

Help stop child abuse but not by acting like one

This is a humor blog where I post to make people's lives just a little easier by showing them a lighter side of things. There comes a time when people don't need to lighten up, instead they need to realize certain follies of their ways. There is a campaign active on Facebook, it requires you to put up cartoons for your display pictures and this (just as the useless ribbon days) will somehow prevent child Abuse.

Today I come to you not with jokes but with a plea. This whole campaign to put up cartoons as display pictures on Facebook is the online version of the nuclear debate, only that it's retarded to an extent that everyone (or everyone I know at least) questions the reasoning that led to this movement. On the one hand we have people who say this will raise awareness which is better than nothing and on the other (myself included) we have people who say this is a useless gesture which does nothing but promote the false satisfaction of contributing without actually doing so.

In Pakistan child abuse isn't just household abuse or children who are victims of war, those aren't even considered issues around here, people who have spent time here, specifically our rejected exports (people who leave the country "for good" but have to come back eventually) will notice the worst form of abused child...the kind begging on the street. 

These are victims of such circumstances that they walk up to every car, every motorcycle bare feet in scorching heat or freezing cold just so they can stretch their arms out to you and hope not for what you think is your precious money but they just want their lives back and their well being assured. What kid can you imagine would go around saying "Allah tujhe Hajj karaye" (May Allah send you to Hajj) In exchange for the loose change people would only part with if it were weighing down their pants? They do so because they have no other choice. They are only children.

Some of them play around while they wait for traffic to cycle along while some of them sit in fear for what the last person did to them for asking more than once. They will ask for food if we're holding any and we'll just shrug it off, thinking they don't deserve anything from our worthy pockets. We are a flawed people and all our gestures however grand in our eyes will mean nothing if we don't look past our own petty lives and see that the world isn't as simple as your social networking website making a statement for you.

These are children who were either kidnapped or were orphans. If you have ever stopped at a traffic light in Pakistan you will see how these kids would want nothing more than release. Perhaps some even retain memories of the lives they had before taking such a turn. I personally fear to even imagine, but I don't have to. 


I've met with families who lost their children to such incidents, their dull expressionless faces still haunt me, wishing their child had died instead and they would not have to imagine what horrors they might be facing. Nobody knows for sure, but we all fear the worst and only the unfortunate few have to live it.

The most common reason to not spend that extra money is lethargy  "What happens if someone undeserving gets my money? What if it's just a scam? I'll just update my picture, because I KNOW what that is doing is raising awareness and awareness is not a scam." There is a saying in Islam (the Hadith is as follows - not a literal translation) Give in the name of Allah regardless of weather someone deserves it or not and Allah will reward you regardless of weather you deserve it or not. But that isn't enough for some.

If you really want to help, donate to someone who you think deserves it. It takes less time googling a worthy recipient than it does finding new ways to keep you ahead in farmville (or mafia wars or World of Warcraft or whatever), if you are interested in actually helping. 


Following are the charities (I know of) that will make sure it goes to someone who deserves it, then you will have earned the right to feel good about changing display pictures. I personally suggest you find a reliable friend in whichever country you wish to help and then go about things through them.

1- SOS Village

2- Saya Trust

3- Edhi Foundation

These are the just the ones I know, this being a blog, I can add any sites that my public shares with me. Those who know me and wish to donate to local orphanages, I can personally arrange for that too. This is a far better way to help a child than to change your display picture to a cartoon and pawn it off on to someone who takes picture to heart. This one is far better (image courtesy SOS Village website).

Vehicular Stratagem

Click, View, Enjoy, Comment (I have the flu, I don't want do the whole routine), Enjoy

What applies to three applies to all

We can no longer pretend to be hiding under a rock and talk about only satire and soft humor. There is a cruel cruel world out there. Being Pakis we understand the word cruel like a Lion understands meat (intimately and a little selectively). But that doesn't change how the world sees us and it's our fault too. For which only a handful actually doing something to change this perception, the rest...well...

Click, View, Enjoy, Think about it and Comment


Note: hosting a blog and photoshopping images does not count as doing something, getting up to do an honest day's work does

National Policy vs National Response

I know these political jokes have been done to death but we haven't done any of them not even to hurt slightly. I present to you all what is exactly going on. I'm sleepy right now otherwise I'd have written a rousing article that'd change the course of history, it will have abated by the time I wake up but know that it would have been a humdinger.
Note: It's censored, the whole "taking offense to implication" doesn't apply here.

So....on your marks...click set...view...enjoy...comment when you're done enjoying 

Objectivity

I bet you can see this one directly without the clicking, so go directlying to viewing, commenting and enjoying (click if you're using a resolution WAAAY beyond human comprehension)

Rules

Welcome to our humble website (we are humble like concrete is pliable) this grants us the confidence to lay down some rules for posting on the website and a brief description of why they’re there:
This is a place for comedy, someone is bound to get insulted but we prefer to keep our ears clean and our keyboards that much cleaner. So if anything we or someone else says gives you the inexplicable urge to pound your keyboard flat with your forehead please, go right ahead, just make sure you look up before you draw your last breath to make sure there are:

• No Links to Adult sites/forums
• No Sexual, Racial and Religious Slurs (so important, we’ll write it again in bold caps with and an underline)
• NO SEXUAL, RACIAL AND RELIGIOUS SLURS (We will block you so hard even inanimate objects will judge you)
• Avoid political debates unless the topic calls for it.
• If you copy anything from us, the least you could do is link it back to us (while the most you could do is sign your living wills over in our names)
• If you have any ideas, jokes or stories you’d like to share, we will give you full credit and can (if you wish) make a donation (whatever we can afford at the time) to charity in your name.