Cruel jokes

Hey Guys (or joke mongers as Ultay Haath Ki calls you), Timi here and this is when a Donkey decides to travel 900 kilometers to make a donkey feel like an ass...

(EDIT: He did try to confirm the distance between here and Kalaam before he quoted the 900, we here at Ultay Haath Ki refuse to acknowledge having any information about geographical distances, that's what maps are for)

Stating the obvious

I think it's time to go more topical than to just go with the jokes as they roll along. But I must present this one before going right into commenting on wikileaks and stuff. You may find the stick figures an interesting twist, doling out an ultay haath ki to an unfortunate recipient (like life)  but we will not be turning stick figures into a pattern, we're pretty much rehashing memes to the brink of plagiarism as is it, we'll stick to what we've got rolling.

Read from left to right, lift with your knees, click, view, enjoy (Don't comment on this one, we're not interested)

Chrome OS cometh

Looking into the upcoming release of the Chrome OS for which I am as excited as I am weary. Excited because...well, I'm a sucker for tech and weary because...I was just planning my next PC upgrade, we all know what they did to the mobile market with Android and if history is any indicator we are in trouble yet again.  Here's what you can expect from the thingy and following is how I think it will create a technological divide among the masses.

Click, View, Comment and Enjoy (notice how we want you to enjoy only after you've commented)

Help stop child abuse but not by acting like one

This is a humor blog where I post to make people's lives just a little easier by showing them a lighter side of things. There comes a time when people don't need to lighten up, instead they need to realize certain follies of their ways. There is a campaign active on Facebook, it requires you to put up cartoons for your display pictures and this (just as the useless ribbon days) will somehow prevent child Abuse.

Today I come to you not with jokes but with a plea. This whole campaign to put up cartoons as display pictures on Facebook is the online version of the nuclear debate, only that it's retarded to an extent that everyone (or everyone I know at least) questions the reasoning that led to this movement. On the one hand we have people who say this will raise awareness which is better than nothing and on the other (myself included) we have people who say this is a useless gesture which does nothing but promote the false satisfaction of contributing without actually doing so.

In Pakistan child abuse isn't just household abuse or children who are victims of war, those aren't even considered issues around here, people who have spent time here, specifically our rejected exports (people who leave the country "for good" but have to come back eventually) will notice the worst form of abused child...the kind begging on the street. 

These are victims of such circumstances that they walk up to every car, every motorcycle bare feet in scorching heat or freezing cold just so they can stretch their arms out to you and hope not for what you think is your precious money but they just want their lives back and their well being assured. What kid can you imagine would go around saying "Allah tujhe Hajj karaye" (May Allah send you to Hajj) In exchange for the loose change people would only part with if it were weighing down their pants? They do so because they have no other choice. They are only children.

Some of them play around while they wait for traffic to cycle along while some of them sit in fear for what the last person did to them for asking more than once. They will ask for food if we're holding any and we'll just shrug it off, thinking they don't deserve anything from our worthy pockets. We are a flawed people and all our gestures however grand in our eyes will mean nothing if we don't look past our own petty lives and see that the world isn't as simple as your social networking website making a statement for you.

These are children who were either kidnapped or were orphans. If you have ever stopped at a traffic light in Pakistan you will see how these kids would want nothing more than release. Perhaps some even retain memories of the lives they had before taking such a turn. I personally fear to even imagine, but I don't have to. 


I've met with families who lost their children to such incidents, their dull expressionless faces still haunt me, wishing their child had died instead and they would not have to imagine what horrors they might be facing. Nobody knows for sure, but we all fear the worst and only the unfortunate few have to live it.

The most common reason to not spend that extra money is lethargy  "What happens if someone undeserving gets my money? What if it's just a scam? I'll just update my picture, because I KNOW what that is doing is raising awareness and awareness is not a scam." There is a saying in Islam (the Hadith is as follows - not a literal translation) Give in the name of Allah regardless of weather someone deserves it or not and Allah will reward you regardless of weather you deserve it or not. But that isn't enough for some.

If you really want to help, donate to someone who you think deserves it. It takes less time googling a worthy recipient than it does finding new ways to keep you ahead in farmville (or mafia wars or World of Warcraft or whatever), if you are interested in actually helping. 


Following are the charities (I know of) that will make sure it goes to someone who deserves it, then you will have earned the right to feel good about changing display pictures. I personally suggest you find a reliable friend in whichever country you wish to help and then go about things through them.

1- SOS Village

2- Saya Trust

3- Edhi Foundation

These are the just the ones I know, this being a blog, I can add any sites that my public shares with me. Those who know me and wish to donate to local orphanages, I can personally arrange for that too. This is a far better way to help a child than to change your display picture to a cartoon and pawn it off on to someone who takes picture to heart. This one is far better (image courtesy SOS Village website).

Vehicular Stratagem

Click, View, Enjoy, Comment (I have the flu, I don't want do the whole routine), Enjoy

What applies to three applies to all

We can no longer pretend to be hiding under a rock and talk about only satire and soft humor. There is a cruel cruel world out there. Being Pakis we understand the word cruel like a Lion understands meat (intimately and a little selectively). But that doesn't change how the world sees us and it's our fault too. For which only a handful actually doing something to change this perception, the rest...well...

Click, View, Enjoy, Think about it and Comment


Note: hosting a blog and photoshopping images does not count as doing something, getting up to do an honest day's work does

National Policy vs National Response

I know these political jokes have been done to death but we haven't done any of them not even to hurt slightly. I present to you all what is exactly going on. I'm sleepy right now otherwise I'd have written a rousing article that'd change the course of history, it will have abated by the time I wake up but know that it would have been a humdinger.
Note: It's censored, the whole "taking offense to implication" doesn't apply here.

So....on your marks...click set...view...enjoy...comment when you're done enjoying 

Objectivity

I bet you can see this one directly without the clicking, so go directlying to viewing, commenting and enjoying (click if you're using a resolution WAAAY beyond human comprehension)

Rules

Welcome to our humble website (we are humble like concrete is pliable) this grants us the confidence to lay down some rules for posting on the website and a brief description of why they’re there:
This is a place for comedy, someone is bound to get insulted but we prefer to keep our ears clean and our keyboards that much cleaner. So if anything we or someone else says gives you the inexplicable urge to pound your keyboard flat with your forehead please, go right ahead, just make sure you look up before you draw your last breath to make sure there are:

• No Links to Adult sites/forums
• No Sexual, Racial and Religious Slurs (so important, we’ll write it again in bold caps with and an underline)
• NO SEXUAL, RACIAL AND RELIGIOUS SLURS (We will block you so hard even inanimate objects will judge you)
• Avoid political debates unless the topic calls for it.
• If you copy anything from us, the least you could do is link it back to us (while the most you could do is sign your living wills over in our names)
• If you have any ideas, jokes or stories you’d like to share, we will give you full credit and can (if you wish) make a donation (whatever we can afford at the time) to charity in your name.

Talking in song

This post is somewhat an inspiration (note: not a rip-off) from a segment they had in Whose Line is it Anyway? Every now and then (more then than now) I tend to do things like Movie quotes not working in certain circumstances and  Misplaced Emotions in the interest of continuing which I present to you: If people used songs to converse. The drill ladies and...other gender is:

Click, View, Enjoy, Comment (commenting optional, but know that I tend to cry easily when people don't pay attention to me)

Songs used are (from left to right in the comic): Stairway to Heaven, Suzie Q and This

Laziness is contagious

Don't Click, Don't View, Don't Comment but Enjoy (challenge extended)

 

Kids these days

Click (with a mouse), View (also with a mouse), Comment (if you're into that sort of thing, we don't judge), Enjoy

Sesame Street taught us all the wrong lessons

 Click, View, Comment, Enjoy (What? You expect a creative announcement everytime? Leechers)

Now here's what happens when you watch too much sesame street (Thanks Eee Jay for the idea)

Singing from the heart

This post is a gamer thing, if you're not one or haven't ever been one this one's not for you, might I recommend www.iamanidiot.com for your lack of understanding to gaming kind?

Cl_ck, V_ _w, c_mm_nt, _nj_y (Fill in the vowels)

Monarchy

Without touching any hardware:

Click, View, Comment and Enjoy

Note: The kid looks a lot like Stewie so naturally this was in the offing

Also Note: I am working on some paper and stuff, so I'm not really trying to be funny today, if I am then your sense of humor needs realignment, I'd recommend reading more of Seanbaby and Bizaro and if neither page is available, look at your lives, I bet you're laughing now (blunt I know, stop crying).

Lack of follow through

I know I've run one of those sleeping gags before but I just had to put this picture to good use, plus I think I am hitting borderline garfield territory here, none the less:

on your marks, get set ...Click, View forget Enjoying life is short, move on

 

The harder decisions in life

You'll need powertools for the following:

 

Click (Jackhammer), View (Telescope), Enjoy (Chainsaw) and Commenting is optional (also chainsaw...or possibly a low impact drill)

Inanimate Objects giving comebacks

Click, View, donate to the "Save an idiot foundation", Enjoy

 

Sad and Counting

Click, Enjoy, Comment and do all of that without actually viewing, I dare you

Misplaced Emotions

Click, View, ponder the wonder of sight (on your own time), Enjoy

Work Ethic

You'll notice the common theme here is lack of work ethic...this can be credited to the recently concluded holiday season around here so I am on edge...nothing a good night's sleep won't cure but I have more important things to do than sleep, like complain to my concerned friends about how lack of sleep is ruining my life.

I was thinking of a font overhaul, but this is all I get, so Tahoma seems better than the other options (or comic sans if it were an option...stupid Blogger template)

Click, View, let it cool for 15 minutes....Enjoy

Cleaning up a sentence

For the record, the man pictured as incompetent here is one of the three most hard working individuals I have ever known and by God I know a boatload of hard working individuals...I don't count myself, because...well seriously c'mon, how hard working must I be if I have time to slap on speech bubbles to pictures of friends?

So this is for the sake of comedy and comedy alone and nobody mistake him (the bearded guy) for being anything less than 200% dedicated to his work...which is kind of impossible but if you think that, go away, you are logical and have no place here. So here's how it's done: You click, you view...you might get tired here so take a nap and Enjoy.

Return of the A-Di

Greetings Visitors, friends and comic enthusiasts who'd view anything as long as there was a speech bubble involved (you're kind of my niche).

I might flake for a while again, but in the mean time, here's some mediocre production just to bide time. I present to you a post that needs no captions to be funny. Here's the drill: Click....wait for it...view....wait for it....ENJOY !!! ENJOY NOW!!!!

Missing Info

Greetings All,

As it turns out I have finals coming up which require a certain amount of attention from my end.

Though my sole purpose for attempting finals is to give those Self Important PhD’s something to wince about.

Pictured: Self Important PhD

So I will not be updating many comics for my…let’s see now 1, 2 and…3 followers for this week and I might just take a “I’m on a post exam freedom high so screw you” break for the week after but then you guys will have your comics and I assure you, they will be funny. There will be laughing or so help me God there will be murder.

Also, I can’t decide on a font style for this site…any suggestions? Though I’ll just reject them all and go with something I myself pick out but I give you the reader (notice singular)the opportunity to feel like you contributed followed by the familiar feeling of being shot down. Just like real life.

  That’s you

Planning Gone Awry

Click, View, Comment, Enjoy (no novelties)

ADHD

Click, View, Comment, Thank Munib for the photo, enjoy

Economic Recovery This

Click, View, Comment, Enjoy (in any order)

Circumstances make even the best lines terrible

Click, View, don't bother commenting, we know you'll chalk this up to gay jokes.

Taking denial a bit too far

Click, View, Comment - it helps me understand where to take future entries, but also Enjoy. Can never enjoy too much.

Unwelcome entertainment

Click, View, Enjoy (now without the added pressure of commenting)

Interactive Tell Off

Click, View, Make yourself a milkshake, Enjoy

Resorting to the basic jokes

Click, View....comment...c'mon, we dare ya

 

Personal Hygiene

Click, View and stop right there, this one's not that funny so don't comment nor enjoy.

 

Out of towners

Click, View, Comment (like the sports guys) and Enjoy, you don't seem to be enjoying much lately.

Assumptions

Click, View....Do some yoga (in that order)

Being friendly is not the same as being informative

Click, View, Comment (if that's your thing) but do not enjoy, we have a problem with too much joy

So much for cute sounding stuff

Click, View, Enjoy, Commenting is right on par with eating vegetables, it's entirely your choice

Lethargic Friendship

Click, View, Enjoy...you can comment, but nobody's got a gun to your head

The Tired best friend

 Click, View, Enjoy, Commenting is optional